Him...

"I would rather live my life as if there is a god and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is." — Albert Camus

Parallel Lines...

"Walking away is not my tag-line...a style statement...its an acceptance of the absurd life we live..."

"Which is precisely my idea of your escapist handling of things...you walk away from it all...or you live for today...indulge and splurge...or you choose to sit on a pile of melancholy and grudges...claiming to have moved one...an enlightened soul..."

"That's your perception...the one you're trying to force on my life...One need not act all the time...one cannot know it all...who knows what is right, what is wrong?...the important thing is not to be judgemental..."

"By which you imply that I am being hasty, judgemental and critical?...Demanding, Rigid...and the lot...?But I don't see how your liberal living and free thinking is bringing any happiness to anyone you know...apart from your great self of course..."

"Lets not turn ourselves into Gods...sitting on high thrones...allocating happiness.What's a standard happiness anyway?...In the end, we will all live and die...How can one talk for all? We will have to live alone...gathering our own experiences..."

"And so you sit back on your bed...?Abandon all the stupid lot...them all?...except of course those faithful bottles in your room...the crumpled clothes denoting all thats absurd...? Walking away is indeed not a fancy tag-line...its a wise way of life."

Birthday...Another One...

November...the word makes me happy. There must be very few souls in the world who are so much in love with their birth-month. Come to think of it, its a mad fascination...narcissisitic, un-called for...absolutely! But, I love the sound of "November"! Makes me as gleeful as a "hurray!" :P

Birthday..important...very much!!! So the smell of the new kurti and those anticipated, much-awaited calls..that quick, ceremonious, early-morning encounter in the temple with Gods...those messages of 'long-lost-but-never-lost' friends, the smell of cream and choclate on palms all day...those surprises unrolling warmly and the happy tiredness of having smiled and been the 'good-girl' all day! :)

Gifts, friends, treats...
An older, wiser soul? I wish!! :)

Dim...

This blue pain is benumbing,
The one I often recall to wipe grief.
I have stiched those days into
That gray coat I put on at dusk.
Night falls on my skin
Bringing flakes of a sad lost dream
So I surrender one more time
To that orange nostalgia
Tracing it in the Sun by my window,
Till you come to me
With your boat towards the promised horizon.

Over-the-top! ;)

I can frequently be the dazed, dumb, moody type you see. Too much attention embarrasses me. If you smile at me all the time, I might feel like pressing the magical button and opening the umbrella on myself. Not that it means I do not wish to acknowledge, like, attach myself to people who, lets say, are fond of me. Or, I do not care for people and their affection in my own way...It only means, the knowledge of being liked, unconditionally, good and bad, day and night, unsettles me...

Like too many items on a ricketty lorry!;)

Misgivings...

If blogging is addictive, not-blogging is even more so...Its a new phase this one, when I simply do not have words at my disposal, forget about the right ones. Not just a writer's block I think, but a phase of numbness, passivity of the mind as a human being. Indifference, like a bad cold, is infectious...and it lasts longer. Simply living life, from day-to-day gets to you, the routine of breathing in and out tires the system. For once, people do not matter to me that much...some hang around the scene, like the set, indispensable characters of an old novel, others come and go depending on prevailing winds and whims.

I only wish for some calm now, the kind that comes from entering one's damp cocoon...Time can keep moving...

Crashing Down

Intolerable pauses,
Unimpressive Metaphysics,
Six unanswered messages,
A couple of ignored calls.
That dry conversation,
Those weak words turning into flakes.
Wriness- cold and certain,
Predictable cynicism,
Fresh-grown smirks.
That slight whiff of contempt,
All those assurances
Etched in white on white...
And Condescension, Whim, Stubborness?
Please do not forget them.
Them All...
They are Ours.
Only Ours,
Forever.

Yellow Hibiscus

And then I found you,
Yellow Hibiscus.
That very yellow...the assuring one.
Not pale, not too bright.
Just that calm,
Just that sensitive enough.
I love your vulnerability,
Your not-smelling smell,
Moves me.
Gives me a little hope,
That you won't smile,
That you won't frown,
That you won't want,
That you won't command,
You will last neutrally
Just that long,
Yellow Hibiscus...

Candid...

People are frank sometimes and I appreciate that. A friend recently remarked, how bland the personal side of my virtual life appeared to him. He was referring to my relationship status of course on social networking sites, taking it as a measure of what he presumed, the "colourless" personal life I had. I smiled an unconvincing smile, and ended up laughing at myself as one belonging to "the old school" ;)

On second and third thoughts today, his remark appeared to me as a reflection of the sensational personal lives people wish to lead these days, with "fun" relationships. Different people, different choices, different attitudes. Ackowledged.

Let me be frank too. Its not the old school-whool. The concept of "relationships" bamboozles me totally yaar! Whats all this hubbub about relationships anyway? I believe in love! :) Idealistic, simplistic, generalized, hasty, sweeping as it might sound. But I do not understand these compulsory columns to be filled in...with a sensational use of relationships that end up dying after their short short short expiry dates...People make-up, break-up, lament, lose, and don't even cry! ;) They don't hum songs thinking of each other, nor do they get nostalgic in busy offices!....Won't do...at all!

It should touch you, move you, change you, build you, and last...last longer than anything you've ever experienced in your brisk Life! :)...Not that "committed" relationship! I am talking of Love! ;)

Wake Up...

There are memories standing

In a crooked line behind you,

And there are moments waiting outside

Your door...

Knocking and giggling.

Let them in. Them All.

Look at those rays of gold

That stretch on your window,

Call them in too.

Bend them into a crown,

Or, wear them as your little Halo...

Why should that unsure hand support?

Go, get yourself that iridescent dress,

That Rainbow...

Wait no more for uncertain clouds

To shed those warm, clear tears...

Go out bare feet

And wash your precious Self,

The happy rains are here.

Bitterness is sad, pathetic but sometimes, inevitable. For a creative person, its like poison. It kills the artist in you, depriving you of the tranquility you so badly need for synchronizing your thoughts. For the cheerful and dreamy human being its a sad reminder of the thorns which one needs to fall on in life and how! But for the wise soul, its another opportunity to assess the world around and drain out the bitter potions that deter one's growth as a happy, complete, satisfied individual.

P.S.- And here you have a new preacher in the making! ;)

Life this way...

These are impromptu days of an impromptu life. Packing, unpacking, moving, walking, eating, travelling...impromptu and continuous. The air is light and the clouds sensitive. They burst on you sometimes here, or they weep on alternate days. The Sun is clear yet benign. When I walk the wide roads amidst the green foliage, I sense a harmony around me. I am on my own. It startles me sometimes. Sometimes, I smile at the serenity of independent living. Bonds are nascent and unclear. A cup of coffee together, a session of book-reading in the library, a meal in the cafetaria, and you have mates. Or, a walk by oneself, an afternoon without people, a book to sleep on and you discover yourself.

After a long time today, I walked hand-in-hand through the heavy traffic and rain, ate pastries and had nariyal-paani, took delight in discovering places...like school children on an excursion. Came back smiling at the Sun-set and waving at the ink-smudged sky that promised fresh rains :)

Eager and Enlightened! ;-)

Home is where Amma is...

Independence comes...

I went out to the nearby Gaffar market today, only to be amused by the strange scene there. Packed with policemen and haunted by sniffer dogs, it looked different, of course. Its New Delhi’s way of preparing for Independence Day. Whose independence?... is too loaded a question to be taken up by mortal me. But, Independence Day it is, finally, one more time.

Present in the capital for the first time in the run-up to D-Day, I see the dizziness around me. Even on “normal” days, Delhi is especially aware of your benign presence. Enter into a metro station and you have the security people waiting for you…not arms folded…but arms open indeed…ladies to ladies, gents to gents ;)

Sometimes, I feel sorry for the Prime Minister. Not that he is a figure of pity all the time…but..but..but…As though the controversy on de-linking terror wasn’t enough, he has to bear the sultry weather here, read out a speech on the 15th, and prepare for more answers later in the parliament.

Coming back to Independence Day, can I write about Calcutta one more time? Haan? Yes, I can!...we have this thing for music there…of course everyone knows that...On “patriotic” days, we wake up to the tune of “Aamra korbo joi..” (Bangla version of We shall overcome…)..full-blast on the locality’s loudspeaker…unending, uninterrupted patriotism, dripping from the stereos all day. Time to take out green, saffron, white sarees and of course the flowers in the hair…sing a tune or two as part of the local cultural group…and carry home flowers, pamphlets and sweets to spread more independence...sometimes, even to the extent of ten-twelve boxes of mishti, if your dad is a big-shot at lokaal klub...;)

I remember having sung innumerable tunes with my mates on the harmonium, egged not so much by the fervor of patriotism within me, but more as a silly little girl, overwhelmed by the enthusiastic crowd, parents and family, the stage, the décor, the flowers, the loudspeakers and of course our harmonium sir!...Thankfully, I grew up…

Coming back to Delhi…I am itching to visit Purana Quila, Lal Quila, Qutub Minar, Jama Masjid etc etc. I know I still sound like a tourist…but can’t be helped! You see…I have to see!...The Capital...Its more like counting heartbeats here….the city gearing up for the 15th…not a beat less, not a beat more…the soldiers march on to the sound of the drum…independence…here it comes….

Epiphanies...

To brush aside those
Unclear dreams that hung hopefully
All night by the pillow,
And type, merely type
One’s breath out
All day…

To stare at the blank walls
Of coffee shops on Sundays,
To find in them a mate
That cannot speak.
To memorize smells of
Favorite trees
To sit tight-lipped
And recall the touch
Of a distant breeze…

Can you determine?
Can you think?
No soul, no heart
Not even a hand for you.
Just a whim
Like those
Cigarette smoke and rings…

The desire to parcel
Life off in glass bottles,
Across oceans, across streams…
Disown pain, weakness, bitterness, spite
For that drip-drop-drip happiness
Incidentally, a taste you may not like…

Book-marked

Cause And Effect-

The best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them

Charles Bukowski

Sway With Me-

sway with me, everything sad --
madmen in stone houses
without doors,
lepers steaming love and song
frogs trying to figure
the sky;
sway with me, sad things --
fingers split on a forge
old age like breakfast shell
used books, used people
used flowers, used love
I need you
I need you
I need you:
it has run away
like a horse or a dog,
dead or lost
or unforgiving.

Charles Bukowski

Finally it rained! ;)

Quarter to nine in the night

A rocket-fast rickshaw

One possessed rickshawala

Clouds and heavy drizzle

The wide wide Pusa road

A zillion speed breakers

Half-a-zillion pot-holes

Two cups of boiling tea...

A plate of hot noodles

Three samosas

A Dhokla

Chutney of course

Two crazy girls

And a grand feast on the rickshaw!

Gone with the...scissors...

For all the water she sprayed on my finely combed hair, my ears had become unusually warm. Even crimson…no red. I felt strange sitting wrapped in a white plastic sheet. It was finally my moment of reckoning after good ten months or so. I saw her gearing up with the scissors now. An uneasy smile broke on my lips, as my eyes met hers in the mirror. ‘Don’t chop a lot of the length.’- I made a last minute plea…well almost. Swish, swash, swish…and the first long lock fell into my lap. For once, I reverently admired the strand that was mine…and something welled up in my throat. She was going about dexterously, feverishly with the scissors. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the huge light over me. Too late…too late...

The spell broke with the hot blast of the dryer on my face. Over and out. I looked hard in the mirror finally. Not bad. Interesting. Can I say…good? I was almost pleased.

And then, as I walked out, I saw those many strands lying abandoned on the floor. Poor souls. Brown and fine. I touched my hair…recalling their smell and their touch. Gone… :(

Embers...

Those embers aglow,

Uncertain, Unsure...

There...just about it.

That sad hostility,

Mocking that confusion the other feels...

No lessons learnt,

None left to teach.

Why does it happen this way?

I wonder...

Annihilating together,

Perishing asunder...

Lets begin again,

Set them properly to fire,

Or put out that whimsicality,

Their half-stitched, orangish attire....